The Dialogue Diaries

Someone: haha you know when you’re in the group chat or hanging out in a group and--

Me, leaning in so my lips touch the mic: I Have No Friends

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[In a horror movie]

Killer: I can see you

Someone: Really?

Killer:

Someone:

Someone: Do I look good?

Killer: Hell yeah, you slay

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­­­­­­­­­­Me, as a spy: ok gotta be quiet, gotta be sneaky

My joints: *crack*

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Me, on my death bed: wtf…. Why did they cancel Victorious

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Me: Mom, would you get mad at something that I didn’t do?

Mom: Of course not, silly

Me: Good then, because I didn’t do the dishes

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[texting]

Me: you know, the more “y’s” somebody has in their “hey”, the more interested they are in you

Me: with that being said, heyyyyyyyy

My Crush: he

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­Person A: What do you think of our love?

Person B: Count all the stars in the sky.

Person A: It’s infinite

Person B:  No, it’s a waste of time.

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­Wife: You’re a lying, cheating, piece of sh**! This isn’t the man I married!

Husband: Then we’ll get divorced – and you’re taking the children!

Me, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

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Me: I’m worthless

My Bestfriend: Your organs are actually pretty expensive on the black market.

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Someone: Tomorrow is garbage day
Me: I can't believe they have a whole day dedicated to you.

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